The Friday Rant #2: Creams, Oils and Serums. And Soap.

Apr 8, 2022

Mrs Blackwell’s ever-youthful epidermis can be partly attributed to the endless wells of love within her being that Mr Blackwell is fortunate enough to hold extraction rights to, and also due to her liberal use of creams, oils and serums that are applied to her exterior surfaces most hours of most days. (When he is requested to find her keys or any other item from her handbag, Mr Backwell’s visible panic is elevated with the need to unpack what appears to be enough beauty products to stock the shelves of a medium sized apothecary before finding the item required). The results of this investment are obvious and not up for debate. She’s beautiful.

On his side of the equation, Mr Blackwell is currently in a rationalisation mindset when it comes to skincare. In his carefree years of youthful consumerism, Mr Blackwell enjoyed business travel packing an oversized toilet bag which he would fill to overflowing with ‘complimentary’  hotel mini-shampoos, conditioners, body washes, soaps and if he was staying in extravagant three star accommodation, shaving creams. He figured this could save him around $40 per annum in grooming products. Today, he is a fierce eco-warrior and rejects these environmental timebombs with determination, seeking out venues that furnish their bathrooms with locked-to-the-wall bottles.

Peering inside Mr Blackwell’s toilet bag (you’ve always wanted to, right?) will uncover only the basics: a very large block of Duke Cannon Soap that can be used on every corner, crevice and follicle, a bone-handled shaving implement, a bamboo toothbrush and made in NZ toothpaste in a recyclable jar, and to ensure his love doesn’t grimace and back away on days when he lifts a finger to do any real work, natural charcoal-based Duke Cannon deodorant. (While he hasn’t yet cascaded into the dark pools of conspiracy theory, Mr Blackwell believes Big Beauty is on a mission to make billions, not look after long term human health or the planet we live on. That’s why he is increasingly selective on who gets his hard-earned grooming pennies.)

As an aside, Mrs Blackwell is deeply concerned by Mr Blackwell’s one-soap-to-rule-them-all theory. “You shouldn’t use soap on your face or hair,” she sagely states. Mr Blackwell has thought about this. In his simplistic assumptive style, he believes different cleaning products for different parts of the human body is a marketing drive by Big Beauty to convince us we need to fill our bathrooms with an endless repertoire of items from their catalogue or we risk permanent ugliness. Duke Cannon products, especially their soaps, are officially and shamelessly recommended by Blackwell and Sons, who are New Zealand’s official retailer of this brand. “But wait, there’s more. One block of Duke Cannon soap will last a minimum of three months with daily use,” states Mr Blackwell, popping up like a one of those smiling morons in an infomercial.

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