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Please keep your wind to yourself

In a surprisingly bold move, the Ministry for Commerce has responded to urgent calls by owner-operated retailers for a binding Code of Conduct governing customers and slack-jawed time-killers who enter their premises. The Code, currently in draft form, aims to curtail behaviours that have driven retailers to chemical distraction since commerce was invented. Here’s an exclusive peek at some of its pointier clauses. Wording is verbatim.

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Velcome comrade. Take seat und relax.

A Brooks genuine leather bicycle saddle and Svetlana, the eastern European masseuse, have quite a lot in common. Your first encounter with them might arouse anxiety and suspicion – a whimper of despair, even – as you imagine what lies ahead. But overcome your prejudices, people, and years of unparalleled bodily pleasure and benefit await.

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Bold predictions for 2019

Beards and tattoos will be on the wane. Somewhere in the US a tornado will annihilate a trailer park. Politicians will be filmed at their desks highlighting passages in a document. There’ll be lime scooter incidents, 60% off everything at Briscoes, and Royal scandals. Service industries will be rendered even more frustrating by AI and automation. Kiwis will fall in love with electric-assisted Pashley bicycles. Whoa! What was that last one again?

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The evolution of blokeishness

About 20 years ago, a couple of fading sports stars stirred up the New Zealand television establishment with their particular brand of ‘masculine’ antics and braggadocio. It didn’t go down well with everyone. But blokeishness has come a long way since then. Just check out the way Duke Cannon positions its masterful range of gentlemen’s grooming products from the US.  It’s blokeishness with an undercurrent of clever irony, positivity and self-deprecation. It’s brilliant.

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Building an emporium of wonder

Greytown’s old Borough Council Chambers have witnessed a lot over the last 126 years. There was a 1905 fracas between a councillor and the Mayor that saw projectiles hurled and the Police summoned. There’ve been libraries and law offices, and even a proposal to house a business of ill repute. At about 1.30am on Friday 16 November an exciting new chapter was finished. Our new retail headquarters are much more than we hoped for. Welcome to our emporium of wonder!

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